Broke Bank Holds World Hostage, Threatens Global Annihilation

By Brooks Sherman

Published: May 1, 2009

NEW YORK – The international community was dumbfounded this morning by an announcement from Lehmans Brothers Holdings Inc., the bankrupt financial services firm, that it has successfully constructed, and now controls, a nuclear warhead. Even more alarming, the bank’s board of directors made clear that it intends to deploy the weapon if its demands are not met.

Lehman, once one of Wall Street’s financial powerhouses, made headlines in recent weeks when it was discovered that the former investment bank was sitting on nearly half a million pounds of uranium cake. The firm’s chief executive, Bryan Marshal, had assured concerned parties at the time that the bank was merely waiting for the uranium market to rebound, at which point the substance would be sold off to help pay Lehman’s considerable debt of 200 billion dollars.

But today, Marshal, now wearing a flowing black robe and referring to himself as Mr. Sin, revealed an entirely different plan in his webcam address to the United Nations Security Council. “If you worms refuse to bow to our will,” he cackled, “I, and the rest of The Board of Chaos, shall launch this rocket into the heart of the arctic circle.” He paused dramatically then elaborated: “The resulting explosion will destroy the polar icecaps, causing unimaginable ecological devastation — although our research division has suggested a scenario similar to that explored in the Kevin Costner movie Waterworld.”

The Security Council immediately erupted into panicked pandemonium at this prospect, and UN Secretary-General Ban Ki-Moon struggled to maintain order. “Good God, man!” he pleaded, attempted to reason with the power-mad despot. “What on earth do you want?!”

Mr. Sin grinned into the camera, and declared, “Two hundred BILLION dollars!” Laughing maniacally, he added, “Plus bonuses,” before terminating the connection.

World reactions are mixed. Most nations are horrified by the prospect of living in a world imagined by Kevin Costner, but both Iran and North Korea have admitted they are a tad jealous that Lehmans Brothers beat them to the punch. (North Korean dictator Kim Jong-il is reported as being especially put out, as he had had his heart set on the name “Mr. Sin” when he revealed his own plot for world domination.) In the United States, home of this bank-gone-rogue, Washington remains firmly committed to its official stance against negotiating with terrorists.

On Wall Street, however, many have expressed admiration for Lehman’s extremist actions. “It’s a bold move, an aggressive move . . . very 80s chic,” says one indicted executive approvingly. “It’s nice to finally see a corporation showing a little ‘can-do’ attitude in this economic climate.”