Breaking News: Peter Pan OD’s on Pixie Dust

By Brooks Sherman

Published: February 1, 2009

NEVERLAND – At long last, concerned parents can stop locking their children’s windows in fear each night. Peter Pan, the Tiny Titan, Demagogue of Disobedience, has fallen. Officials on the tragic scene refused to comment, but one unnamed member of Mr. Pan’s infamous youth gang, the Lost Boys, tearfully declared: “Poor Peter. He kept saying he never wanted to grow up, he just wanted to get higher and higher . . . to, you know, fly away from it all.” And so he has, his final hit of pixie dust a fatal one.

Pixie dust, merely one of many names for a notoriously intoxicating and addictive substance, has been suspect in the early demises of many rising luminaries, including the likes of Marilyn Monroe, Jimi Hendrix, John Belushi, at least a few hundred underage models, and, most recently, Heath Ledger. Nearly all of the mentioned deceased had been heard to voice a need for “happy thoughts,” shortly before shooting for the stars (second one to the right, and straight on till morning, so an anonymous source tipped this reporter).

Details for the lead-up to Mr. Pan’s death remain vague, as reliable witnesses remain in short supply. The boy’s alleged supplier, one Tinkerbell, rumored to be a “fairy” dealing exclusively to male minors, has been unreachable for comment, and his long-time nemesis, a Captain James Hook, had only this to say: “Crow NOW, bitch!”