Conservatives Demand Bailout for Failed Abstinence Programs

By Brooks Sherman

Published: June 1, 2009

WASHINGTON, DC – Advocates for abstinence-only sexual education are meeting with members of Congress on Capitol Hill today, requesting millions of dollars in aid. Despite a dramatic increase in federal support over the last several years, the abstinence industry has continued to fall woefully short of its leaders’ projections. “The trimesterly reports all point to the same conclusion,” said Senate Majority Leader Harry Reid sternly. “Either abstinence starts producing results, or we may have to abort funding entirely.”

Abstinence industry executives claim that they cannot be held solely accountable. “We are being bankrupted by the cost of supplies,” complains Reverend Harry Palms, a spokesman for the National Abstinence Education Association. “Our budget currently includes only the bare necessities: Bibles, promise rings, chastity belts . . . and our biggest expense, Vaseline — tubs and tubs of it.”

Congress has tentatively agreed to a loan of 69 million dollars to the NAEA, on the condition that it finalizes a merger with Gay Parent Magazine. “As abstinence proponents have helpfully pointed out, condoms are not 100% effective in combating teen pregnancy,” explains Reid. “On the other hand, here is a group that has consistently managed to meet keep pregnancy levels — teen or otherwise — at an all-time low, while still promoting the family.”

He adds, “Perhaps they can teach the abstinence folks the secret to their success.”