Passive Aggressive Man Saves the Day Eventually

By Jill McKay

Published: February 1, 2009

SEATTLE – When a house fire across the street from the police station blazed out of control, Saturday, Seattle Police Commissioner Gordon turned on the Passive Aggressive Man signal to alert Seattle’s only superhero. Half an hour later, Passive Aggressive Man appeared on the rooftop of the police station and, when asked why he was so late, explained that he’d been busy but refused to say what he’d been busy doing. He then pointed to the new Passive Aggressive Man signal, a searchlight spelling “PAM” in the sky. “That’s the new signal?” Passive Aggressive Man asked. When Commissioner Gordon said it was, Passive Aggressive Man said, “I once knew a woman named Pam. She drove trucks.” Commissioner Gordon said they could change the signal if he wanted, but Passive Aggressive Man pretended not to hear and asked what the problem was.

Commissioner Gordon pointed to the woman in the house across the street screaming out the second floor window and told Passive Aggressive Man to save her. Passive Aggressive Man flew down to the burning house and, instead of going in, went into the nearby Starbucks for a cup of coffee. Believing that the barista had looked at him funny, he dropped a penny into the tip jar. When he was finished, he left his half empty cup on the table with its lid half off so that it would splash the barista when she picked it up.

Passive Aggressive Man then strolled into the flaming house and returned seconds later cradling a Cabbage Patch Doll in his arms. When asked why he he’d gotten the doll instead of rescuing the woman, he said, “What? I thought you’d like a Cabbage Patch Doll! These things are collectors’ items.” The police and the gathered crowd shouted at Passive Aggressive Man to save the woman. Passive Aggressive Man dropped the Cabbage Patch Doll, rolled his eyes, and stomped back into the burning house, slamming the front door behind him.

Several minutes later, Passive Aggressive Man walked out of the house, carrying the woman. The crowd cheered as the woman’s husband ran to her and carried her to a waiting ambulance. When asked by a reporter from CNN why it had taken him so long to rescue the woman, Passive Aggressive Man sighed dramatically and said, “Excuse me I have to go over there” before walking over to a reporter from Fox News, who asked him the same question. He then explained that he’d stubbed his toe on the stairs and had to sit down and take off his shoe to make sure the injury wasn’t serious before he could rescue the woman. “But I guess my safety doesn’t matter to you people,” Passive Aggressive Man said. He then pretended not to hear the TV reporter’s apology.

At that moment, the crowd noticed that the flames from the burning house were getting closer to the house next door. When people shouted at Passive Aggressive Man to stop the fire, he mumbled something about a hair appointment and flew off.