Suspicious Individual Causes Disturbance During Random Security Search on Air Force One

Suspicious Individual Causes Disturbance During Random Security Search on Air Force One thumbnail
By
Published: February 1, 2009

WASHINGTON – A visit to Russian President Dmitry Medvedev by newly sworn-in American President Barack Obama was delayed this morning by a security incident prior to the President’s departure on Air Force One. The disturbance began when a security officer informed one of the presidential aircraft’s passengers that he had been selected for a random security search before boarding the plane.

“Let’s see,” said Officer Arnold Hayden, perusing the passenger’s passport. “Your name is . . . Barack Hussein Obama. Hussein, huh? That’s an interesting name, pretty . . . unusual.” President Obama agreed, then good-naturedly reminded Hayden that he had made the same observation the last time the President had been randomly selected for a security search, earlier that morning. Hayden, in turn, reminded the President that a lack of cooperation could land him in an undisclosed, secure overseas location where the Geneva Conventions hold no authority. The Harvard-educated, former Illinois Senator politely reaffirmed his commitment to submit to the search, whereupon Hayden radioed for backup, observing that the passenger’s behavior had become suspicious.

Reinforced by two officers with assault rifles trained on the suspect, Hayden resumed his questioning: “Your itinerary has you flying into Russia today. You go abroad often, pal?” The new Leader of the Free World, who had been elected in a landslide victory last November, patiently explained that international travel was part of his job, and Hayden nodded slightly to his associates (who clicked their weapons’ safeties off) before continuing: “And where are you from?” President Obama, smiling warmly, answered that he lived in Washington, and the officer specified, “No, I mean originally.” When the devoted father of two chuckled and admitted that he was born in Hawaii, Hayden scoffed: “Look, let’s not play games here, friend. Your name shows up on a list of high-profile individuals with ties to known terrorists. We also know that you have been an outspoken critic, particularly in the last couple years, of American policies, both foreign and domestic.”

At this point the passenger’s traveling companion, First Lady Michelle Obama, spoke up: “This is ridiculous. You’ve already searched him today!”

Before she could continue her outburst the President raised his hand, reassuring her, “Michelle, please. It is quite all right.” His voice had a calming effect on the crowd, soothing frazzled nerves. Even Hayden paused in readying his pepper spray to listen. “These are difficult times,” continued the nation’s first African American Commander in Chief. “We cannot afford another threat in our nation’s skies, and Officer Hayden here is simply carrying out his solemn duty to help keep America safe.” At this, he nodded respectfully to Hayden.

Hayden took a long moment to suspiciously study the President’s earnest visage, then turned his attention back to the First Lady: “Ma’am, you have also been selected for a random security search. Please assume a non-threatening stance, as we will be conducting your strip search momentarily.” She ignored him, turning to ask the Secret Service agents accompanying her, “Isn’t there anything you can do here? I mean, he’s the President, for God’s sake!”

“Ma’am, I will not ask you again,” Hayden warned, reaching for the alarm button at his station. “Please wait your turn behind the white security line on the floor, quietly and calmly.”

“‘Ma’am?‘ Do you even know who you’re talking to?!” demanded the First Lady, stomping furiously past the security line toward Hayden. “This is some bullshi-” At this point the Secret Service agents subdued her, following official policy to treat any disturbance as a potential threat to the President’s well-being. Utilizing a Secret Service tactical defensive maneuver, the agents restrained the First Lady in a dog-pile, rendering her harmless and allowing Hayden to continue searching his detained suspect in peace.

This is the fifth security incident involving Air Force One since President Obama took office several days ago, causing concern among many Americans for the President’s safety, as it is also the fifth time that he has boarded the aircraft. Some are calling for stronger security measures, but the President himself has politely dismissed such suggestions. In a statement made as he complied with Hayden’s curt instructions to slowly remove his pants and shoes, President Obama confidently asserted that “Air Force One and the Secret Service already practice strenuous and thorough security precautions,” citing as an example the fact that this was the fifth time in a week he had been selected for a random security search prior to boarding Air Force One.

Hayden abruptly ended the President’s impromptu press conference, handing him his clothes with a terse “Okay, you people are free to go.” The First Lady was heard to begin roaring, “What do you mean, ‘you peo-‘” only to be interrupted by the President, who, as he waved to onlookers, shoved her up the walkway, whispering frantically, “Michelle, please! I don’t want to be tasered again!”