Ford to Unveil Newest Crappy Car

By Joel Turner

Published: February 1, 2009

DEARBORN, MI – In what appears to be an economic crisis with no end, the Ford Motor Company announced yesterday that they plan to release the new Ford Taint, a moderately fuel-efficient, low-priced economy coupe, in the hopes that a truly affordable car may save the world’s fourth largest automaker from extinction.

“We realize that times are tough right now, especially for all those poor people out there,” announced Alan Mulally, CEO of the Ford Motor Company. “We believe that every lazy-ass poor person should be able to go further into debt by buying a new car.”

Priced at $1,200, the Ford Taint is significantly cheaper than any other car on the market. But while many are praising the genesis of a truly cheap-ass car, others have begun questioning the quality and the safety of the Taint. “Frankly, I’m not convinced that a $1,200 car’s going to fly,” says Edward Goffman of The Goff Group, a prominent automotive policy watchdog. “Wait, ‘fly’ was a really poor choice of words. Which reminds me, when will cars be able to fly? I thought that would’ve happened by now.”

All reports suggest that there is nothing impressive about Ford’s Taint. “We took out every bell and whistle,” Mulally brags. “Instead of a horn, we give each new customer a coupon for a free Quarter Pounder with Cheese from McDonalds. There are no cup holders, and while the windows should roll down, we ask that people try to limit their use of this feature. Furthermore, although the car technically has brakes, we recomend using nearby obstructions such as curbs, street lampposts and General Motors vehicles as a more reliable means of stopping.”

One of the most captivating elements of the Ford Taint is the waiver that every new customer must sign, precluding the Ford Motor Company from any liability or recalls resulting from the car’s preeminent crappiness.

“I’m not going to lie,” continues Mulally, “this car is a total piecer. I wouldn’t want to be on the same highway as someone driving the Taint. And it’s not just because the Taint leaks fuel. It’s mostly because the exhaust manifold is made out of papier-mâché.”

Amid fears that Ford may have created the most dangerous combustible engine known to the civilized world, reports suggest that the Taint will be a best-seller in 2009, ahead of similarly-priced models such as the Chevy Inert, the Mazda POS, and the Chrysler Blow.