Team Investigates Torture Allegations, by Any Means Necessary

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Published: May 1, 2009

WASHINGTON, DC – The Justice Department has organized a bipartisan team to investigate all leads regarding the Bush Administration’s alleged endorsement of torture in interrogations. As this is a sensitive matter, with potential political and international ramifications, the group, codenamed Team Softball, has been authorized to attain their information “by any means necessary,” in order to speedily resolve the matter.

Team members have already uncovered some chilling details. “A U.S. Army colonel we questioned has admitted to using sleep deprivation tactics,” says Team Leader Agent Mac Driscoll at a sit-down interview. “He kept one suspect handcuffed to a chair overnight without even a single bathroom break.” Driscoll shakes his head. “The colonel was a tough nut to crack — it took almost 37 waterboarding sessions to get an admission of guilt out of him.”

One CIA profiler, the team learned, used a prisoner’s phobia of clowns to break him, conducting interrogations in full makeup and a red foam nose until the man finally caved and told him what he wanted to know. “This guy was a real sicko,” Driscoll says. “We had to cut off a couple extra fingers after he confessed, just to make sure he wasn’t holding out on us.”

Team Softball has gained some of its most invaluable tips, however, from civilian sources. “A janitor we spoke to swore that the prison where he mopped floors was filled way beyond capacity!” exclaims Driscoll. “Can you imagine the discomfort those poor souls must have experienced? The inhumanity!” Asked how he gained the janitor’s trust, he chuckles conspiratorially. “Oh, you’d be surprised just how persuasive being locked in a cage with a half-starved guard dog can be.”

Asked how they feel about their work, the other members of Team Softball express a passionate devotion to the mission. “It turns my stomach, the despicable things these people have done in the name of America,” says one agent. “We’re going to get to the bottom of this — even if we have to threaten, maim, drown, and accidentally induce cardiac arrest in every man, woman, and child we question.”

As the team’s deadline approaches, Driscoll intends to pick up the pace and head to the source. “The former Vice President seems to know an awful lot about what went on. It would be disrespectful not to ask Mr. Cheney his side of the story, so we’re planning to pay him a little courtesy call.”

Leaving the interview, Driscoll suddenly smacks his forehead and reminds the rest of Team Softball: “Oh! Guys! Don’t forget to pack the testicle clamps!”