FCC Headquarters Devastated by Surprise F-Bomb Attack

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Published: June 5, 2009

WASHINGTON – At approximately 8:37 a.m. this morning, the Headquarters Building of the Federal Communications Commission (FCC) suffered a direct attack, when an unidentified man entered the main lobby and, without warning, dropped an incendiary F-bomb on unsuspecting staff there. Upon its release, the F-bomb (a big mother, according to eyewitnesses) set off a massive explosion of public outrage, causing catastrophic damage to the area’s moral foundation.

Authorities believe that the attacker was able to smuggle the weapon into FCC Headquarters under the cover of a seemingly innocuous television program. That such a secure government area was so easily infiltrated has caused some to call for harsher decency measures, and the national threat level has been temporarily raised to PG-13.

The casualty count continues to climb, and rescuers have been overwhelmed by those in need of grammatical attention. “My ears!” shrieked one victim being loaded on a gurney into an ambulance. “They’re burning! My ears!” The long-term psychological damage from the strike remains to be determined.

It is unknown if the man acted alone in this shameful attack. Although no groups have come forward to claim responsibility, the Department of Homeland Security has already begun rounding up known previous offenders, including radio host Howard Stern, performer Janet Jackson, and Bronx third-grader Johnny Souza. Followers of the late comedian George Carlin, author of the infamous 1972 manifesto Seven Words You Can Never Say on Television, are also being closely watched.

The F-Bomb was developed by some of the most brilliant, twisted minds in history. Once considered a relatively harmless part of the English lexicon, recent decades have seen it weaponized and used increasingly in verbal warfare. The quality that makes it both so terrifyingly effective and difficult to suppress is its versatility.

FCC Acting Chairman Michael J. Copps issued a brief statement to reporters: “I’d sure as hell like to find the fuckers that pulled this shit.” He was immediately seized by federal agents.