Arlen Specter Seduced by Handsome Stimulus Package

By Brooks Sherman

Published: May 1, 2009

WASHINGTON – Senator Arlen Specter (PA) has announced that, after nearly three decades of faithful commitment, he is leaving the Republican Party for another. “This just feels like the right thing for me now,” a sheepish but glowing Specter, 79, told GOP colleagues. “The heart wants what the heart wants.”

Republicans are stunned. “This came out of nowhere,” says a tearful RNC Chairman Michael Steele. “Arlen was always so devoted; I just thought we were going through a rough patch.”

“It’s that goddamn stimulus package,” snarls conservative pundit Ann Coulter. “Ever since it flounced out on the scene, he hasn’t been able to take his eyes off of it.” Slugging back the rest of her wine spritzer, she adds bitterly, “Men are pigs.”

Many agree that Coulter may not be far off the mark. “Something just switched in Arlen when he first ran into the stimulus bill,” says Senator Mitch McConnell (R-KY). “He’s totally gay for it.”

Some distraught Republicans are still in denial. “It’s just a phase. He’ll be back,” mumbles Senator Olympia Snowe (R-ME), who hasn’t changed out of her pajamas for days now. “You’ll see: These things never last.” Sources close to Specter, however, claim he hadn’t been happy in the relationship for a long time. “He said everything had become the same-old, same-old,” says one confidant who declined to be named, “and that the Party he had fallen in love with all those years ago had turned frigid, uptight, and unresponsive to his needs.”

In the wake of this emotional drama, some are calling for former presidential candidate Senator John McCain (R-AZ), long-rumored to be politically bi-curious, to also finally come out. “It’s not like it’s a secret,” jeers radio host Rush Limbaugh. “Everyone’s known about John for years!”