Super Mario Blunders

By Brooks Sherman

Published: December 14, 2009

MUSHROOM KINGDOM – Troubled celebrity and part-time public works contractor Mario was arrested downtown yesterday, following dozens of complaints about his causing havoc in the city’s sanitation system, diving down sewage drains to collect small change and assaulting citizens by jumping or viciously stomping on them.

The one-time civic hero, famed for his numerous rescues of heir apparent Princess Peach, has been the subject of much controversy due to his alleged use of mushrooms in the line of duty. Now, after years of sobriety, it seems that Mario has once again fallen off the kart.

Police state that Mario appeared under the influence when they arrived on the scene. Evidently under the impression he was able to fly, the suspect initially tried to flee custody. When this effort failed, he resorted to attacking officers with random debris (“Fireballs!”), before screaming, “I just a’swallowed a star! I’m invincible now—let’s-a-go!” and running head-on into a solid brick wall, knocking himself unconscious.

Released this morning on bail, the disgraced plumber made a public apology on the castle steps for his behavior. “I’m a’sorry to my brotha Luigi, the Principessa, and alla you a’little Toadies.” He added that, now the effects of the mushrooms had worn off, he felt “about two feet-a-tall.”

Princess Peach is currently looking into extradition to Italy—and if that fails, Japan.