Nescafé Products Drugged, Says Despot; In Other News, Nescafé Sales Skyrocket

By Brooks Sherman

Published: February 26, 2011

TRIPOLI – Beleaguered food company Nestlé received a surprise PR boost this week from Libyan dictator Col. Muammar el-Qaddafi. Nestlé, a once-proud corporate giant, in recent years has suffered from disappointing sales, particularly with Nescafé, a brand of instant coffee that is a poor substitute for real coffee and tastes like crap.

But when Qaddafi made a Feb. 24 television address to his subjects, he happened to mention a new fad sweeping Libyan youths: “They put hallucinatory pills in their drinks, their milk, their coffee, their Nescafé.” The Libyan people must have been quite excited by their ruler’s announcement, as this reporter has observed their passing the last several days in lively demonstration.

Since Qaddafi’s declaration, Nescafé drinks have experienced a surge in popularity in North Africa and the Middle East, with similar mass displays in such countries as Yemen, Bahrain, and Jordan. Nestlé executives, encouraged by Qaddafi’s thoughtful plug, are making a strong push to capitalize on their product’s newfound marketability, with new slogans like “Nescafé: Now with twice the hallucinogens of other instant coffees!” and (even more popular) “Nescafé: Powder to the people!”

But while the populations of these nations have risen up to show their apparent enthusiasm for Nescafé, their leaders seem more reserved. “You can’t help but notice, wherever there is Nescafé, the people seem angry with their violently repressive governments,” complains one brutal tyrant who declined to be identified.

Still, Nestlé is optimistic about the region’s changing social climate. “This is a very exciting time for the long-suffering people here,” says a Nestlé spokesman. “Nescafé is primed to become the Four Loko of North Africa.”