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Obamheiser Bush
Obamheiser Bush  | read this item

Turmoil in Middle East Over Proposed “Beer Summit”

By Guest Contributor
Published: December 21, 2009
by Aaron Kase Washington, DC – President Barack Obama thought he had found the solution to the decades-old Israeli-Palestinian conflict. Encouraged by the success he had earlier this summer
Keystone Koopas
Super Mario Blunders   | read this item

Super Mario Blunders

By Brooks Sherman
Published: December 14, 2009
MUSHROOM KINGDOM – Troubled celebrity and part-time public works contractor Mario was arrested downtown yesterday, following dozens of complaints about his causing havoc in the city’s sanitation system, diving down sewage drains to collect small change and assaulting citizens by jumping or viciously stomping on them.
Geltfellas
Geltfellas  | read this item

Police Break Up Intense Game of Dreidel at Local Bar Mitzvah

By Jill McKay
Published: December 11, 2009
BROOKLYN, NY – Police broke up a heated match of dreidel today at the bar mitzvah of Abraham Feldstein. When police arrived, several guests were gathered in a circle yelling insults in Hebrew and Yiddish.

Monkey Genius an Idiot, Claim Irate Scientists

By Brooks Sherman
Published: January 5, 2010
Hollywood hard at work
Monkey Genius an Idiot, Claim Irate Scientists  | read this item
GENEVA – Following much suspense and promise, the Hack Institute, an elite team of scientists dedicated to testing the possibilities of the Infinite Monkey Theorem, announced today that their most recent experiment has ended in failure.

Poland Spring Unveils New, Cholesterol-Free Water

By Brooks Sherman
Published: December 29, 2009
New, healthy water!
Poland Spring Unveils New, Cholesterol-Free Water  | read this item
Poland Spring now joins the health-conscious trend sweeping America, as it releases its latest innovation in the competitive field of rehydration: cholesterol-free bottled water.

OP-ED

I Can’t Believe I Live in a City That Doesn’t Condone Public Urination

By Guest Contributor
Published: September 8, 2009
By Raymond Hammet Let me ask everyone reading this a question:  Where the hell do you get off?  You all probably pay taxes, right?

Bless Mother Earth! Yowza!

By Guest Contributor
Published: June 1, 2009
By Chas Morris Yorzan Woo doggie, it’s been a while! Sorry I have not written in some time. So much has

What I Really Want to Do Is Wait Tables

By Guest Contributor
Published: February 1, 2009
By Maxwell Cross Hello, sir, madam. How are you both this evening? Have you decided on anything yet? Our specials today are

SPORTS

Vince Young Demands Trade to University of Texas Longhorns

By Guest Contributor
Published: July 1, 2009
By Michael Catania NASHVILLE – Embattled and mercurial Tennessee Titans quarterback Vince Young, who recently demanded Titans management either install him as the team’s starting QB or trade him

ARTS

Troll 2: The Greatest Sequel of All Time

By Jill McKay
Published: August 30, 2009
At the Vanity Fair After-Party...
Troll 2: The Greatest Sequel of All Time  | read this item
Forget The Godfather II. Forget The Empire Strikes Back. And yes, although it might be hard, forget Speed 2: Cruise Control. Without a doubt the greatest sequel of all time is Troll 2.

Congo: The Greatest Movie About Monkeys with Lasers on Their Heads Ever Made

By Jill McKay
Published: August 30, 2009
Congo: The Greatest Movie About Monkeys with Lasers on Their Heads Ever Made  | read this item
If you like robot gorillas with No Fear backpacks emoting, then this is the movie for you!

ADVICE

Ask an Internet Scammer

By Guest Contributor
Published: December 7, 2009
Dear Sucker...
Ask an Internet Scammer  | read this item
Dear Internet Scammer, Recently, I lost my job. Now the bills are mounting up, and I am finding it increasingly difficult to keep up with all my payments. I got engaged last year, and these financial problems are

NEWS SO WEIRD WE COULDN'T POSSIBLY MAKE IT UP

The Opportunity of a Lifetime: Flipping Burgers

By Brooks Sherman
Published: October 20, 2009
Oh, the Places You'll Go!
Oh, the Places You'll Go!  | read this item
(KSL.com) — Hundreds line up to apply for a job at In-N-Out Burger

BRIEFS

Scientists Conclude That Bobby Wilson Is a Buttface

By Jill McKay
Published: November 13, 2009
What a Buttface.
What a Buttface.  | read this item
BALTIMORE – Researchers at Johns Hopkins have concluded that Bobby Wilson is in fact a buttface, confirming the suspicions of his classmates at Westwood Elementary School. “Using a variety of tests, including questionnaires, IQ tests, personality tests,

Study Finds Most People Do Not Care About You

By Brooks Sherman
Published: November 6, 2009
What is WRONG with you?
Study Finds Most People Do Not Care About You  | read this item
Results of a recent study reveal the troubling fact that more than 99% of the world’s population does not care about how you are doing or feeling on a daily basis.

Scientists Fascinated by Newly Discovered TNA

By Jill McKay
Published: October 30, 2009
Why hellooo, Miss Carmen Electron...
Scientists Fascinated by Newly Discovered TNA  | read this item
CAMBRIDGE, MA – The announcement by MIT scientists Wednesday that they’ve discovered a new type of nucleic acid, trioxynucleic acid, or TNA, has piqued the interest of scientists worldwide.

Wayward Teen Wiki’s Wikipedia, Unleashes Armageddon

By Joel Turner
Published: October 27, 2009
Wikigeddon
Wayward Teen Wiki's Wikipedia, Unleashes Armageddon  | read this item
What appeared to be the inquisitive pursuit of a curious teen resulted in the annihilation of all living beings on planet earth yesterday when Cos Sullivan, a ninth-grade student from Lansing, MI, typed “wikipedia” into the Wikipedia search bar.

Fox News Intern Mistakenly Reports on Something That Matters

By Joel Turner
Published: September 28, 2009
fox_news_scandal
Fox News Intern Mistakenly Reports on Something That Matters  | read this item
New York – Meaghan Nguyen, a Journalism student at Genesee Community College and intern with Fox News Channel was relieved of her sparse responsibilities yesterday after she released a story that allegedly carried an air of substance.

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