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100% Pure Nescafé
Nescafé Products Drugged, Says Despot; In Other News, Nescafé Sales Skyrocket  | read this item

Nescafé Products Drugged, Says Despot; In Other News, Nescafé Sales Skyrocket

By Brooks Sherman
Published: February 26, 2011
TRIPOLI – Beleaguered food company Nestlé received a surprise PR boost this week from Libyan dictator Col. Muammar el-Qaddafi. Nestlé, a once-proud corporate giant, in recent years has suffered from disappointing sales, particularly with Nescafé, a brand of instant coffee that is a poor substitute for real coffee and tastes like crap.
Tweeting the Night Away
Local Woman Finds Twitter, Loses Soul  | read this item

Local Woman Finds Twitter, Loses Soul

By Guest Contributor
Published: February 2, 2011
By Robin K. Blum DUBUQUE, IA – Dilettante homemaker Sharon Weedy, 36, announces that she has joined the Twitter community in an effort to promote her new at-home web business, a blog full of free fun projects and crafts for the whole family.
Bite me, Reality.
Man Seeks Divorce from Reality, Citing Irreconcilable Differences

Couple Facing Off ca. 2003  | read this item

Man Seeks Divorce from Reality, Citing Irreconcilable Differences

By Brooks Sherman
Published: December 2, 2010
After nearly 10 years of wedded life, Jeremy Waters of Midtown, IN has filed for divorce from Reality. The move has come as a shock to few who know the couple, asWaters and Reality have been legally separated for the past year, and most did not see much possibility for reconciliation between the two.

Government Shutdown May Or May Not Ruin Your Weekend, Life

By Joel Turner
Published: April 8, 2011
closed
Government Shutdown May Or May Not Ruin Your Weekend, Life

khawkins04  | read this item
Washington, DC – After weeks of failed negotiations and heated debates over government spending, Congress announced a shutdown of the federal government this evening, taking immediate effect. Moments after the deadline marking this historic shutdown, key members of Congress, having exhausted all resources, hung their heads in despair.

Local Company Initiates ‘Bring Your Illegitimate Daughter to Work Day’

By Joel Turner
Published: April 8, 2011
Who's your daddy? No, seriously.
Local Company Initiates 'Bring Your Illegitimate Daughter to Work Day'  | read this item
SIOUX FALLS, SD – MidStar Energy Corp. announced yesterday that in addition to ‘Casual Saturdays’ and ‘No Lunch Break Thursdays,’ they will soon host a quarterly ‘Bring your Illegitimate Daughter to Work Day.’

OP-ED

Dude, These Totally Are the Droids We’re Looking For

By Guest Contributor
Published: July 19, 2010
By Stormtrooper Eddie Hey, wait a second, hold on. Frank, what are you doing, man? What the hell was that? “You can go about your business? Move along?” You call that an interrogation?

I Can’t Believe I Live in a City That Doesn’t Condone Public Urination

By Guest Contributor
Published: September 8, 2009
By Raymond Hammet Let me ask everyone reading this a question:  Where the hell do you get off?  You all probably pay taxes, right?

Bless Mother Earth! Yowza!

By Guest Contributor
Published: June 1, 2009
By Chas Morris Yorzan Woo doggie, it’s been a while! Sorry I have not written in some time. So much has

SPORTS

Vince Young Demands Trade to University of Texas Longhorns

By Guest Contributor
Published: July 1, 2009
By Michael Catania NASHVILLE – Embattled and mercurial Tennessee Titans quarterback Vince Young, who recently demanded Titans management either install him as the team’s starting QB or trade him

ARTS

Troll 2: The Greatest Sequel of All Time

By Jill McKay
Published: August 30, 2009
At the Vanity Fair After-Party...
Troll 2: The Greatest Sequel of All Time  | read this item
Forget The Godfather II. Forget The Empire Strikes Back. And yes, although it might be hard, forget Speed 2: Cruise Control. Without a doubt the greatest sequel of all time is Troll 2.

Congo: The Greatest Movie About Monkeys with Lasers on Their Heads Ever Made

By Jill McKay
Published: August 30, 2009
Congo: The Greatest Movie About Monkeys with Lasers on Their Heads Ever Made  | read this item
If you like robot gorillas with No Fear backpacks emoting, then this is the movie for you!

ADVICE

Ask an Internet Scammer

By Guest Contributor
Published: December 7, 2009
Dear Sucker...
Ask an Internet Scammer  | read this item
Dear Internet Scammer, Recently, I lost my job. Now the bills are mounting up, and I am finding it increasingly difficult to keep up with all my payments. I got engaged last year, and these financial problems arecreating a lot of stress for both me and my fiancée. Now we don’t know if we can even afford a wedding.

NEWS SO WEIRD WE COULDN'T POSSIBLY MAKE IT UP

The Opportunity of a Lifetime: Flipping Burgers

By Brooks Sherman
Published: October 20, 2009
Oh, the Places You'll Go!
Oh, the Places You'll Go!  | read this item
(KSL.com) — Hundreds line up to apply for a job at In-N-Out Burger

BRIEFS

Big Brother Is Watching You

By Brooks Sherman
Published: November 8, 2010
Big Brother loves you
Big Brother Is Watching You  | read this item
THE KITCHEN – Your annoying older sibling is at it again. Big Brother keeps staring across the dinner table at you, while you calmly ignore him and continue to eat your meatloaf. He is so trying to annoy you. Does he have to chew with his mouth open

Monkey Genius an Idiot, Claim Irate Scientists

By Brooks Sherman
Published: January 5, 2010
Hollywood hard at work
Monkey Genius an Idiot, Claim Irate Scientists  | read this item
GENEVA – Following much suspense and promise, the Hack Institute, an elite team of scientists dedicated to testing the possibilities of the Infinite Monkey Theorem, announced today that their most recent experiment has ended in failure.

Poland Spring Unveils New, Cholesterol-Free Water

By Brooks Sherman
Published: December 29, 2009
New, healthy water!
Poland Spring Unveils New, Cholesterol-Free Water  | read this item
Poland Spring now joins the health-conscious trend sweeping America, as it releases its latest innovation in the competitive field of rehydration: cholesterol-free bottled water.

Scientists Conclude That Bobby Wilson Is a Buttface

By Jill McKay
Published: November 13, 2009
What a Buttface.
What a Buttface.  | read this item
BALTIMORE – Researchers at Johns Hopkins have concluded that Bobby Wilson is in fact a buttface, confirming the suspicions of his classmates at Westwood Elementary School. “Using a variety of tests, including questionnaires, IQ tests, personality tests,

Study Finds Most People Do Not Care About You

By Brooks Sherman
Published: November 6, 2009
What is WRONG with you?
Study Finds Most People Do Not Care About You  | read this item
Results of a recent study reveal the troubling fact that more than 99% of the world’s population does not care about how you are doing or feeling on a daily basis.

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